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My tea had lost most of its warmth and I set it beside me. **** I didn't remember getting to bed, but that's where I woke up so it must have happened. I walked quietly to my room and stood on my bed to lift up one of the ceiling tiles. After making sure the sounds of weightlifting continued unabated, I snuck out of my room to the back steps. I savoured my cancer-stick, holding each lungful as long as I dared before letting it slip back out a small gap in my lips. I didn't turn as Seth came up next to me and sat down. We sat in near silence for a few minutes while Seth massaged my day away. I grabbed his hands and pulled them back into position. Not an empty one this time; Seth's snoring radiated from his open bedroom door, a constant reminder I had company of a sort. My brain puzzled away on that problem while I crept out the to the back step. He'd bought himself a newer, bigger one about a year ago, the better for entertaining guests. I made wild guesses at how good the sex would be, how drunk they both were, whether they'd ever talk again after tomorrow morning. I actually hummed to myself on the way to the bathroom. Crankiness was never vanquished; it could only ever be held at bay. I was sipping on a fresh cup of coffee by the time last night's girl tried to sneak out the front door. As it was I had to stop and regain my breath for a moment once my weight was safely resting across two parallel beams just under the roof proper. I would have long since been asleep except I'd been having trouble sleeping at all lately. Light danced across the wall, then the faint sounds of a car pulling up to the house. The girl was holding her heels in one hand, presumably walking in bare feet, and still could barely keep herself upright. There was a crack of light coming from under my brother's door. That and I didn't want to suffer morning's wrath alone. The rain would probably get it before I remembered it was there. That was the sort of thinking that separated me from a sleeping person. It left me in a precarious, half-crouched position with only a tenuous grip on the edge of the window frame keeping me from falling backward. Sometimes he'd still be awake too and I could talk to him for a while. Sometimes, as I suspected tonight, he'd still be out trying to pick up girls. Just going through the motions had become soothing somehow. There was a time when scattered children's toys would have made nighttime walks hazardous, but those days were long since passed. I cleaned, shopped, worked, and generally kept myself alive, yet I still waited for the day I'd actually feel like a responsible adult. I waited until I heard Seth's door close before tiptoeing to the hallway. I might have been nice and let him and his new 'friend' sleep except I knew he had a shift that morning and needed to get up. I lodged the small cylinder in a gap between the top of the door frame and the house. I watched, and sipped, and wondered what the point of it all was. It felt quite unfair that some people could fall asleep on a whim, while I had to work so very hard at it. I put my emptied cup in the sink and thought about rinsing it. I carefully pushed my weight onto that leg until I was able to bring the other one up along with it. The undressing, the foreplay, maybe some dirty talk... I went to the living room, to the large window looking onto the street. He seemed to be doing better, but still fumbled with his keys at the front door. It gurgled and spat as I listened to the sounds of not-quite-hushed-enough voices, doors opening and closing, and the bathroom being hurriedly used. With it out of the way I was able to stand up straighter and reach up to the rafters above it. Seth had always had to give me a boost when we were kids. If I'd been ten pounds heavier I probably would never have made it. I slid my back down the wall until I was sitting on the floor. I focused on my breathing for a while, inhaling slowly and deeply, then exhaling at the same pace. I swung blearily out of bed and threw on enough clothing to be presentable before shuffling out of my room. I had to fish around a little to find the half-pack of cigarettes I'd hidden there... Each stream of smoke carried some of my tension away with it. He could be such a goddamn ninja when it was least convenient for me. I slowly leaned back on him more and more as he worked on me until finally he gave up and wrapped his arms around me instead. I watched the imperceptibly slow changes in the sky and felt my brother's heartbeat drum softly into my body. My half-cigarette was still right where it had been viciously abandoned earlier. He wouldn't mind if I borrowed some of it for a few hours. I pulled back the corner of the covers and slipped in next to my brother. I laid out scenario after scenario, none of it based on reality or remotely useful to me in any way. Something had to be done, and lying around with my infuriating fantasies keeping me company clearly wasn't that something. I smiled when I saw Seth had beaten me to the kitchen and had already made coffee. Customers and coworkers often make or break the day. He was much too inconsistent about it to make any real progress, but something was better than nothing. I made room for him to spoon up behind me, correctly assuming that he was about to make it up to me. **** "Wakey wakey." "Rrrgh." "Time to get uuup Izzyyy." I swatted my hand in the general direction of my brother's sing-song voice. Get outta my room." "I'd love to except we aren't in your room." I cracked my eyelids. He choked on his laughter even as he struggled to regain his breath. sometimes I wish you'd never learned to speak." "Oof, harsh." I stood up and straightened out my hair a little. Knowing they'd be locked in his room fucking somehow made my efforts all the less attainable. The girl was frowning at me, trying to work out who I was.

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I should be going." "K." I kept my eyes on her as she walked by me to the front door. I imagined her butt was pretty nice too, although it was harder to tell with her dress not sitting quite right. The house had all the right sounds again, just the ones me and Seth made. It made me want to 'accidentally' spill some hot coffee on his toes. He leaned in and kissed the side of my forehead, then went to scour the refrigerator for breakfast. You scaring girls off in the morning is just one facet of the master plan." "Oh god. "Well anyway, the trick is that it's really hard to develop feelings for a drunk girl. Pick a pre-drunk girl and bam, save money buying her drinks, save time, save... It's wins all around is the point." "Goddamn, dude. And somehow inspirational." "Story of my life." I walked up behind my brother and hugged him. I punched him on the shoulder to emphasize my point. " "'Cause you're an adult now, sucker." "So that was my mistake." I raised my cigarette to my lips again, but it was expertly snatched away just before contact. "You know, when I wake up next to a girl, it usually-" I took my weight off my knees and drove my butt into my brother's abdomen. "Maybe when I'm pissed off is not a great time to mention that." "Or maybe the timing is what makes it funny." I sighed. **** I was in bed the next time my brother brought a girl home.

I mean, I'm sure I mentioned we lived together." "Before or after she got drunk enough to sleep with you? It all kinda blurs." "Classy." Seth snorted in amusement. What'd she, like, let you put it in her butt or what? Although she did do this thing where-" "Don't wanna hear it." "Oh, right." Seth frowned, then started cracking eggs into a frying pan. " "Your boobs feel nice and all, but I really need to grab a spatula before my eggs burn." I couldn't help smiling, but I wiped it away before releasing him "Fuck you, dude," I said without malice. I pushed myself into a kneeling position straddling his waist and he cautiously let go of my arm. It made a satisfying thunk when it landed on my brother.

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