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And how do you deal with the new kind of grief that comes with entering a new phase of life? In American society, the topic of death causes great discomfort so people do not think about or discuss the subject.When the death of a loved one occurs, the bereaved are often encouraged to put the occurrence in the past.A few months ago I asked my mother to share some thoughts on the difference between guilt and regret (A Psychologist’s Perspective on Guilt vs Regret, February 7, 2011).That post quickly became one of my most-read pieces.How the child grieves is extremely individual and based on the child’s age when the parent died, the cause of the loss, the quality of the parent-child relationship prior to the death, and the support system available both at the time of the loss and afterwards.If a surviving parent removes all items and pictures of the deceased and does not talk about him or her, the child is denied the grieving process.Both happy and sad events can make you miss loved ones.
It’s a common misconception that talking about your mother or acknowledging her absence will “make people sad.” On the contrary, I believe that talking about her and her absence is appropriate.
I think that incorporating your mother and her memory into your ceremony may provide a way for her to be remembered and present during your wedding.
Because your fiance did not know her, he will not miss her in this event.
The secrecy and the inability to have a shared grieving between the child and family that shares the loss is a travesty. Even after many years while there may not be active grieving, there are what one child called “mommy-missing feelings.” And what does a mother provide for a daughter: support, advice, a significant person who can help and validate the child during development.
No one else is so uniquely important to the child as a mother who helps her to form an image of herself.